I imagined death and the end of the spiritual search to feel like reaching the point of ultimate and final surrender, noticing the breath, and releasing all hope and desire that another would draw itself into me. When Grace swept the personal identity to the side to allow a fuller perception of what is appearing, I noticed I’ve always “been lived.”
This was amazing to notice and fascinating to feel within the body…how I was being fed, peed, and pooped, walked, and slept just like a toddler, with no conviction of “being a personal self” to claim these body functions as mine though the appearance was clearly within and around this body. How humbling and yet arrogant of me to believe I, as a character, had any role in creating and birthing this moment. And yet, I as Absolute, look upon and play within this dream of duality as the Anita character.
Slowly, I felt like I was rewired or re-calibrated on some odd physical level. I had an emotional flashback of painful life events reveal the impersonality of what I thought of as “my life.” I was gifted with an deep knowing that I as a character had never made a mistake or messed up, even when I believed I did. I was being lived, mistakes, bad decisions, and screw-ups included.
There were many tears shed while awakening to what is and what is not. Backing away from untruth leaves what simply is…a shining and shimmering perfection most of us label as duality, life, reality. There was no fanfare, no parades, no mountaintop grandeur…only a Grace-filled nearly impossible shift or pivot to seeing and knowing beyond the mind what has always been…and never not here, now, as this that is.
This Grace-filled understanding revealed that all the “bad actions” I had taken in “my” life were actually this Absolute Stillness unfolding itself as the duality, as the Anita character. There was a radical forgiveness flowing through the body. I, as personal and impersonal I, was transfixed as wonder, peace, tranquility, perplexity, and disequilibrium passed through this Anita body.
Grace/Absolute/Void/God/ is whispering and swirling as this fleeting appearance, as this fleeting Anita body, birthing this fleeting Cosmos, this moment, as this body to know itself as form and formless. And there is utter aloneness and shock at the rawness of this revelation.
These is only this…here…now…appearing as form, and it’s negation. Non-duality and duality are the fleeting imaginary dance of playing in a relative world as self and other.
Life is but a dream and it feels exquisitely real, this fleeting breath, this fleeting moment, these lightening fast sensory impulses, this fleeting body here, now, appearing as this perfectly vibrant alive stillness, and yet also as Void.