Today we’ll walk towards what frightens most of us…surrender, falling through ourselves and letting go. Before 2011, reading sentences like the previous one would have sent my heart rate soaring as I had major control issues. My control issues were so deep, and the panic and anxiety so wide, that I nearly had a meltdown in 1991 from the increased anxiety and panic attacks triggered from extreme stress and watching the movie Silence of the Lambs.
Just the thought of surrendering, losing control, and being vulnerable was so disturbing to me that I wanted to see a psychologist and dig around in my head for a few years about why this movie and single parenting shook my control issues to the core. Now I enjoy this movie from time to time and am entertained by the brilliant screen performances of Anthony Hopkins and Jody Foster.
In past posts, I’ve written at length about our attempts to better our selves, enhance what we are, and make ourselves more spiritual, more humble, less angry, more devoted, and polish ourselves into a bright shiny awakening as what is. We seem to get so carried away on the pathless path with releasing all our identities, stories, and beliefs that we completely forget that we cannot erase the perfection of what is appearing each moment, even when we label it as scary, or unthinkable.
I had no idea these tendencies towards panic, anxiety, agoraphobia, and OCD were energetic and biochemical body expressions of what simply is appearing that the mind had hijacked into a screenplay of fear. I had labeled these body sensations as terrible and awful since I was living in my head and not allowing the chemical sensations to play out in the body as they do. And here is the shocker…I could not fathom that the biology and body chemistry of anxiety and panic would remain wired within this body after realizing that there is no actual personal self, only this impersonal awareness appearing as what seems to be at the center of me as this body. Go figure. And some say truth is stranger than fiction.
Truly, we cannot GAIN anything if that is what we are seeking on the quest to freedom from personal suffering. Again, we don’t exist the way we believe we do and all we can do is seemingly surrender, let go, and question all the mental cement blocking our perceptions of what we already are. And believing we can direct this pathless path of inquiry and discovery is also a trap as it perpetuates that we have free will and free wont to make these “decisions.” Today, I am 100% sure that I am not in control of this body, nor was I ever driving the bus to nowhere.
Surrendering, welcoming, and letting go is the organic and spontaneous nature of small children before they are programed to be individuals, of nature, the cosmos, of the seeds of the plant and the cells of the body. Only human minds attempt to hold fast to what is clearly an edgeless fluid flow as this moment and all that seems to appear momentarily and disappear from the view and perspective of me as this body. When all falls away, including the identity of the character living in time and space, what remained/remains is this Mystery, and it makes most of us jittery to fall into not-knowing while welcoming what is showing up in front of us as appearances.