I’m a writer sharing the ancient Christian nondual teachings opening my eyes to the mirage of what is here now appearing as THIS that seems separate, solid, and lasting. I write from the perspective of an introverted and intuitive rebel pushing the cultural, educational, and spiritual boundaries and expectations of being a proper, polite, Southern mother, wife, and business owner. Since 1989, I’ve been on a pathless path seeking the Truth of what I am, what you are, what the Universe is – Truth, with a capital T. Not a relative truth, an Absolute Truth.
So, after a 40+ year-long search, all personal suffering fell away. How did this miracle happen? It was Grace, unearned, and undeserved. Now, glancing into the rearview mirror, this amazing Grace descended like a casserole – with layer upon layer of relentless practices, tools, and techniques uncovering and chipping away at what was residing at the center of my suffering. I found at the end of the path this suffering was about me. All me. My millions of beliefs created this suffering.
I thank A Course in Miracles (ACIM) for setting my hair on fire in 1989 when my neighbor Chuck S. handed me his ACIM book and suggested I read it. I’d never heard of the book but I was stressed to the max and quite anxious, in the middle of a divorce, custody battle, graduate school, working full-time, while mothering three under the age of six. So I bought the ACIM book. At first, I didn’t understand the book’s message and teachings so I joined some wonderful and loving study groups through the years and came to understand that the ancient nondual teachings written in ACIM were the same Christian nondual teachings of Jesus the Christ, just written from a slightly different perspective and, for me, much easier to read and grasp.
So really, I’m just an average person, a cat, dog, book, and horse lover, with an extra helping of garden variety OCD. I don’t wear robes or chant or burn incense, and I feel these practices are great for those who find some benefit. Since 1992, I’ve practiced daily Vipassana meditation and Hatha yoga.
In 2011 Grace opened these original eyes, the eyes of Anita before she was born into form. This opening and discovery of Truth, with a capital T, rocked my world and yet, nothing had really changed except for perception. And then slowly I noticed all the personal suffering was gone…poof! A bit later, there was an integration–like phase when I felt as though I was going backwards and being sucked back into the personal suffering, until I clearly saw the remnants of the ego – the belief of being a separate self – desperately trying all last ditch efforts to maintain some amount of control, to no avail. The ego was mostly living in the back of the bus at this stage and useful for finding the grocery store and paying the bills in a timely manner.
I say with clarity that I was transformed in many ways and yet not one thing changed with this shift, except suffering fell away. Nothing was added. All the beliefs and concepts I had cherished were seen as only imaginary thinking and fell away like a wake behind a moving boat. I remained the same Anita as I had been for 54 years, but I was humbled, still am, to realize there is much more, and less, to appearances than I believed those 54 years. All is paradox now.
I saw directly beyond the brain’s mental programming and chatter what I really am – what you are, and everything is…a spontaneous, uncaused, edgeless, appearance of this unknowable Mystery, this Aware Presence, God, Consciousness, Awareness, Absolute, Brahman, Divinity, Emptiness, Stillness, Truth, Universal Field, Beloved…there are many labels to point towards what cannot be understood by the brain, only felt within the emptied, surrendered, and opened heart.
I see clearly now that I am appearing as this edgeless, awareness or consciousness as Absolute no-thing-ness appearing as every-thing-ness as this illusory Anita character in a dream of reality. I am the big I or big Self and I am the little I or little self, and yet I am neither and completely empty, edgeless, infinite, uncaused, and here now as the apparent fullness and emptiness of this mirage we call reality. I’ve never existed, I’ve never been born, and I will never die. I cannot be known nor unknown. I simply am and yet I am not. The human brain/mind is not wired to perceive and process this great Mystery, this Absolute Absoluteness entertaining a dream reality.
So, I have lots to share about what I’ve uncovered, and more importantly, all I had to unlearn, release, and uncover to be able to see this natural and available perfect peace that is beyond human understanding. I am here to say that if this shift of perception and seamless sensing of appearances can reveal itself through me, then anyone with an earnest and burning desire to end personal suffering can seem to chip away and shed all that blocks this perfect peace beyond understanding. I used the word “seem” in the prior sentence since nothing is really happening across time, though it seems it is. Again, all appearances are a paradox and confusing to a relative-based human brain.
In my writings, when I use the word God, I am referring to an Absolute Truth, not a relative truth, and using God is quicker than listing all the many names we use to represent God: Absolute, Divine, Source, Mystery, Universe, Cosmos, Yehweh, Yeshua, Buddha Nature, Brahman, Truth, Spirit, Oneness… and here is a listing of more names for God.
Welcome to my quiet little website. My prayer for you is the dissolving of all the blocks and beliefs keeping you chained to believing you are a personal and separate self, and that you see now what is in clear view, here, now, as this that you are.